i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
