Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
