My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
