Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
my liver is dry heaving
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
