Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
