i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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