Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
