Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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