i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
