So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
