He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
