dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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