barbara walters just said penis...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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