They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
