My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
