you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
