He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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