There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
