the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
