I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
