Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
