Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
