woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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