having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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