WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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