Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
