I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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