Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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