I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
