OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
