Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
