my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dicks are not precious.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
