I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You smell like a Billy Joel song
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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