i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
