sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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