We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
