i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
