gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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