Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
