when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
