I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
