I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
