I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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