She said her name was "party"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
