Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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