Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
