I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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