i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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