i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
