Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
