Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
