You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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