this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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