I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I have fence marks all over my body
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