Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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