If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
