Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
