i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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