apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
